How to practice safe sex during coronavirus pandemic

It's reasonable to assume that the spread of coronavirus is likely causing a spike in horniness (just look at all these free sex toy offers). We're scared. We're trapped inside. We're lonely. We miss human touch. We need sweet, sexual release.

So in an act of true due diligence, the New York City government released a guide to fucking during the pandemic. And it comes bearing some truly iconic lines, while also delivering extremely pertinent safety information.

Shortly after it caught the attention of Twitter, though, the guidelines were removed from the government's website. At the time, NYC Department of Health Press Secretary Patrick Gallahue offered only that, "Our guidance is updated regularly and we are working on having it back up soon." As of 5:45 p.m. ET on Saturday, the document had returned, unchanged.

Regardless, the document had already been immortalized with screenshots. And we did the public service of summarizing its highlights below.

"You are your safest sex partner," the government insists, echoing that voice inside your head with longstanding trust issues.

After a little foreplay with facts on the virus, the guide gets right to the point, asking what's on all our minds: "But can you have sex?"

While COVID-19, the disease caused by the coronavirus, has not been found in semen or vaginal fluids, banging still requires being closer than the recommended social distancing of six feet. It can also spread through one's saliva or mucus. So, you can definitely still catch the virus by having sex (unless you're, like, inhumanly endowed I guess).

"Youare your safest sex partner," the government insists (yes in bold), echoing that voice inside your head with longstanding trust issues. This directive is followed by what, shall we say, comes close to a recommendation from the NYC Health Department to masturbate your goddamn heart out, with a reminder to wash your hands and sex toys after.

SEE ALSO: Coronavirus anxiety has exes sliding into the DMs

But the NYC Health Department is an understanding partner. It knows that, while masturbation is the best method of prevention, people are gonna be fuckin' and suckin' anyway. So the next (and only other) safest option is to do so with someone you're living in quarantine with (who, uh, also presumably is not your flesh and blood).

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With not a single shred of slut-shaming, the NYC government woefully admits though that this is not the time to be spreading the love anywhere else — unfortunately, even if your livelihood depends on it. But, it suggests, have you tried sexting ;)

You practicing the safest pandemic sex like a boss. Credit: bob al-greene / mashable

In all seriousness, though, if you do the sexting or the porn on your computer or phone, be sure to also disinfect your devices (here's our guide for phones and computers).

The NYC Health Department seemingly regrets to inform the public that, "rimming (mouth on anus) might spread COVID-19."

Finally, we get down to the nitty-gritty dirty talk, when (I shit you not and can't emphasize this enough), the NYC Health Department seemingly regrets to inform the public that, "rimming (mouth on anus) might spread COVID-19." It's not anti-rim-jobs under normal circumstances, necessarily, but since the virus has been found in feces, it could theoretically be spread through ass to mouth action.

Then there are the more common sense (though still scintillatingly well-informed) guidelines: Kissing definitely spreads COVID-19, so don't do that with anyone other than quarantine buddies, avoiding that and sex with them if you or they start feeling sick. Sadly, if either you or your quarantine partner is part of a high-risk group, it's better to avoid sexual contact altogether.

But may we offer our own potential workaround for high-risk partners? Try mutual masturbation instead (while maintaining a six-foot distance, of course). It's proper social distancing, but sexy.

Condoms are also now particularly important for oral and anal, the health department states, since it lessens contact with saliva and feces. And folks, washing your hands and toys post-coitus and masturbation has never been more important. We'll add that this shouldn't be hard to abide by since everyone should already be peeing after intercourse anyway.

In these trying and terrifying times, the public needs its government to rise to the occasion. And in this instance, the NYC Health Department has risen, hard, erecting a throbbingly comprehensive monument to safe sex in the age of COVID-19.

Honestly, it did such a thorough job that I think I'm horny for the NYC Health Department now? Is that...possible? Where's my goddamn vibrator??

You should read a copy of the full guide below, both for public health safety and the lols:

Credit: NYC.gov Credit: NYC.GOV

UPDATE: March 21, 2020, 5:55 p.m. EST This story has been updated to note the NYC Health Department's guidelines on sex and COVID-19 are now back online.