How much should we overshare while dating?

Making an online dating profile can feel like creating a Sim for yourself. You list your hobbies, whether you want kids, if you drink or smoke, and other personal details about yourself to be scrutinised by a pool of potential partners. But once the chat turns from getting to know each other, to setting a date to meet in real life, when does sharing who you are veer into oversharing? 

How we put ourselves forward online is one thing, but if your ultimate goal in dating is to get into a relationship, what are the rules for oversharing once you actually get into one? Is there such a thing as telling your prospective partner too much?

Oversharing on the FYP — why do we do it?

With cuffing season— the time of year which typically starts in mid-October and ends after Valentine's Day — well underway, you may suddenly see an influx of matches or newly formed couples on your Instagram feed. That's not a coincidence, and you're not imagining it. Finding love (or wanting to) during cuffing season is well-documented. This need to couple up and find a mate in the colder months also comes down to our biology, with a drop in serotonin levels causing us to seek out connection. 

But are we giving too much of ourselves away to form connections? Oversharing details about ourselves and being transparent about our past experiences are very different. 

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Jasmine Denikegrew her audience on TikTokwith her coveted London dating diaries series, where she unpacked her experience using dating apps as a post-grad student in London. She describes the experience as oversharing and exposing herself to the sometimes harsh TikTok algorithm. 

Before she had an online audience of almost 18,000 people, which grew thanks to her dating diary videos going viral, she openly shared details about her partners on social media. It was the deterioration of those relationships that made her rethink how much she shares. "Having to scrub them from my feed afterwards, it made me rethink this relationship and wanting to keep things 'private, but not secret,'" she explains.

Denike has never shared personal details about her current partner. "But I'd talk about what we were doing, how I felt about him and exposed myself to the unforgiving audience that is the TikTok for you page," she reveals. "Shockingly, despite sharing my dating journey entirely online I'd classify my relationship as being very private."

Despite bad experiences from her previous relationships, she found that her online presence increased her confidence when dating. "It made me more comfortable opening up because I'd already shared what I was telling them," she says. "I was lucky enough that through it all, I met someone who was happy with my oversharing because he knew that I valued his privacy and I showed him respect for his boundaries."

'Trauma sharing' with new partners

Oversharing online is one thing, but what about oversharing with a new person we're dating? "It's important to assess why we want to overshare and tell new people a lot of personal information so soon," says counsellor Georgina Sturmer. On the topic of confidence, Sturmer is passionate about helping women to build their confidence and resilience. She believes that when getting to know someone new, there has to be a certain level of vulnerability when letting someone in. 

When oversharing, "are we hoping that the other person will rescue us, or look after us, or act as a sponge to soak up our feelings?" Sturmer asks. "Or are we sending out a test balloon, to try to identify if we can trust them and if they will listen?"

This, she says, is when sharing in person and sharing online differ. The initial "in the moment" feeling we have when sharing a thought or moment online can feel cathartic, but when it's being reviewed and replayed by strangers, the narrative of its meaning is outside of our control. 

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"Our digital footprint can last a lifetime, so if we meet someone in real life who knows us online, they might already have plenty of in-depth knowledge of what we have been through. It can remove those initial, gentle layers that are involved in getting to know someone in a relationship."

Sharing our past, as Sturmer says, can feel like a way to connect or subconsciously scope out whether or not the other person has what we need to be supported and understood. After all, modern dating can often entail meeting up with and getting to know multiple people in a short time frame, so if you're intentionally dating intending to find a relationship then keeping those wants and needs in mind is key. 

Dr. Carolyn Keenan, a clinical psychologist, suggests balancing holding back on certain topics that can leave you feeling vulnerable and finding a healthy middle ground. 

"It's about finding the right balance — once trust and mutual respect are established, you may feel more comfortable discussing deeper issues. The goal is to create an environment where honesty and vulnerability can develop over time," she says.

Keenan used the term "trauma sharing" to mean trauma dumping. Trauma sharing, she says, can create a false sense of intimacy; sharing parts of ourselves and our stories with new people is a way of trying to show them who we are beyond surface-level appearances or interactions. 

"It's important to be mindful about how much trauma becomes a focal point in the relationship. Bonding over positive experiences, shared values, and future goals can create a more balanced and healthier connection while bonding solely over trauma may build a relationship on unstable emotional foundations."

Trauma dumping online can feel safer for some people, but our digital body languagemay say even more about us early on. A recent study from Hinge revealed that everything from the emojis people use to the length of messages determines whether or not app users want to meet the person they're speaking to — nearly 56 percent of participants admitted to overanalysing someone's DBL and not meeting them. 

So, why do we feel the need to overshare so soon if we're judging one another so harshly? Paul Brunson, Tinder's global relationship insights expertcalls this "cobwebbing."

SEE ALSO: Cobwebbing dating trend encourages you to clear out old flames

"We're encouraged to clear the cobwebs of our pasts to move on and be present in our new relationships," he explains. "Holding onto those past experiences, people, even the animate objects from that time can cause us to hold back from making new, genuine connections."

When should we open up to a new partner?

Exposing our past and all the skeletons in our closets too soon can run the risk of oversharing and becoming too vulnerable too quickly. But is sharing the nitty gritty parts of our past trauma dumping or just a part of opening up in a new relationship?

Brunson believes that, when it comes to sharing our trauma, discussing our past including the difficult parts, can offer an opportunity to grow as a couple and deepen our understanding of our partners. 

"When we share our stories, we create a space for empathy and connection. Vulnerability helps build emotional intimacy, which is key to developing a solid foundation in any relationship," he says. "It’s important to balance vulnerability with emotional readiness with respect. The right match will be more interested in where you’re headed than where you’ve been."

Perhaps the reason oversharing online and via social media feels safe to some is because there is no immediate response to it. There might be comments, likes, or DMs, but it's very different from sitting face-to-face with someone new and sharing a part of yourself and your past. 

Brunson advises tackling this by prioritising self-care and healing rather than using new people or social media to work through what's holding you back from meeting someone new. 

"Try to focus on the present and future, and ensure your relationships — both new and old, romantic or platonic — are based on current, positive interactions rather than past entanglements."